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I Don't Have an Eating Disorder... I Don't Believe...

So I really don't like seeing myself in the mirror. Well, I don't mind from the neck up, but anything below my shoulders I don't wanna see. I just find my body appearance... unattractive to put it nicely. I'm not even sure if I really find it so bad or if everyone else is just disgusted by my look. Either way it makes me ashamed.

Then again there is that part of me that loves hearing people tell me I'm so thin. What I don't like is when they touch me! Strangers touching me make me very uncomfortable. But yeah. I don't like seeing anyone thinner than me, not that it's a common occurrence. But if I see someone I think looks thinner than me in my mind I'm like, "I bet if I cut back on my food intake for a week or two I could be thinner than them."

I love hearing the celebrity gossip about a star being too thin. I remember when they were saying Nichole Richie was too thin. She's what, like 5'2" give or take an inch, and she weighed a reported 86 lbs. Earlier this year I weighed the exact same amount, but I'm about 5'7". I really don't understand all the health issues people bring up about my weight. My only problems are being cold a lot, chapped lips, creaky joints, and sometimes low energy. A long time ago (I have no idea how much I weighed at the time) it was hurting for my heart to beat, but it got better after a few days. I dunno if it's because I've been this way all my life and my body is used to running this way, or what. When I was at that mental hospital (which was were i found out I weighed 86 lbs) they wanted to rush me over to the hospital across the street and put me on a feeding tube cause they thought I was gonna die. I was perfectly fine. People always seem to assume I'm gonna drop dead any day from lack of nutrition, but I'm fine! My doctor since I was a little kid has always reassured me of this.

I don't wanna gain weight, cause I am terrified of being fat. I've never been larger than a size 0 in my entire life, and I think if I bought the smallest size of something and it didn't fit me, I would freak out.

My main problem is most people won't hire a model unless they're at least a size 2. Thinking about being a full size 2 almost makes me wanna cry. Why can't people just like the way I naturally am? :(

Posted by Melody08 at 03:11 on Nov 20th, 2008

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whiskerz Feeling quixotic	Posted on 01:45PM on Nov 26th, 2008 "Why can't people just like the way I naturally am?" I think you look great regardless of your size, I wouldn't call it NATURAL though.
drcynic Feeling okay	Posted on 09:17PM on Nov 27th, 2008 Dear, you know we're buddies, but a size two is not too big a deal... I think you're beautiful, but you can't worry about it like that. Believe me, I know fat... Size two is not fat, dear.
emptyheart Feeling drained	Posted on 08:31AM on Nov 28th, 2008 I'm not trying to be mean but you have the classic signs of an eating disorder. I think you are drop dead gorgeous but in some of your photos you look shockingly thin. If you look up symptoms of anorexia on Wikipedia you have several of them. A BMI of less than 17.5 is considered abnormal. If I enter your height of 5'7" and 86 pounds, your BMI is 13.5. Other symptoms include feeling cold, slowed heart rate, pallid complexion, creaking joints and bones, depression, distorted body image, extrame fear of gaining weight and denial that there is a problem. I urge you to see your family doctor and discuss the possibility. I am not saying this to be judgemental but because I care.
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