The Blog of melody08

A few years ago, I was a very different person. My personality has undergone quite the makeover. Not really for the good, but not entirely for the bad either I don't think. But I'm only thinking about one aspect of it right now.

If I think about how I acted to people 2 years ago, it's completely opposite of how I act now. When I met people, and became friends with them, I told them everything about me. I whined a lot and complained about how I was depressed. My friends quickly became annoyed with me, so I decided not to tell them about it anymore. I felt so bad for talking about it all the time, I refused to talk about it ever again.

With the last relationship I had, it was difficult, because I was always telling some story about why I was so pathetic. When he didn't like it, I stopped talking to him about it. I tried my hardest to not cry in front of him about anything, but as I'm a very sensitive person it was not easy at all. He would see me cry sometimes and ask what was wrong, but I was so afraid of annoying him like in the past I refused to tell him anything negative. He wasn't really the type to be there for me anyway, so I didn't wanna burden him any further. Turns out he wasn't happy with me NOT telling him what was bothering me either.

I'm not really the one to be average. I do things, feel things, to the extreme. Never just in the middle. So it was either I tell him everything or I tell him nothing. I tell him everything, he gets annoyed and doesn't want to speak to me. I tell him nothing, same thing. Our relationship soon ended after he couldn't get me to tell him what was bothering me.

When something bothers me, I never feel it's good enough to talk about anymore. I feel as though everyone is dealing with their own issues, why should I bother them with mine? Especially when they're so trivial to everyone else.

Once in a while, I might tell a friend I'm depressed, but I immediately feel worse and then quickly change the subject and pretend to be happy. Seems to work alright. And at work no one knows I'm ever depressed. I'm always putting on a happy face. I try and be as outgoing as possible, but I still seem to put people off. Sometimes I feel like just giving up on being social at all. It hurts when people ask for your number and then never call.

I can't imagine myself ever being in another relationship, simply for the fact no one can handle me full on, and it wouldn't be fair to be with someone who doesn't even know you. I lose either way. I guess maybe it's for the best I don't have friends outside of the internet. That way I never get too attached.

"Life's easier without friends."
"Love humiliates you. Hatred cradles you."
   - White Oleander