The Blog of melody08

So tonight I decided to watch this show called, 'I'm a Boy Anorexic' on BBC America. I've been a bit fascinated by this disease, and to see this show taught me some things. I've been accused of being anorexic basically my entire life, mostly by strangers, but a few months ago by some doctors. Of course, these same doctors first told me I was bulimic, which is absolutely not true, and then decided I was anorexic since I wasn't throwing up. I remember the psychiatrist telling me I was anorexic and I almost cried (partly in frustration) and I argued that I wasn't, and her response was, 'Most people with anorexia don't know they have it.' What could I say to that? Nothing.

This show focused on 3 boys staying at this place in London where kids with anorexia are sent when their weight gets dangerously low. Most of these kids only had a few weeks left to live before they were sent to this place, a lot of them only weighing a little over 4 stone, or about 58 lbs. I myself at the moment weigh 88 lbs. which is 6.3 stone. They were talking about how they were cold all the time, and their hearts hurt and they were so exhausted sometimes they felt like they couldn't move. It did scare me to know that I know what all that feels like. My weight might drop very low sometimes (as of now for instance) and I get so tired all the time, I don't even want to get out of bed, I just want to sleep. And my heart hurts just to beat. And I've been cold my entire life. Not to the touch really, but just very easily chilled. I used to never leave the house without a jacket, even if it was summer. I felt so bad for these kids.

The way the narrator went about it though, was like, 'He hasn't been to school since he got anorexia.' He made it sound almost as if he came down with the flu or something. I didn't really like that. And then the kids in this place have to keep track of all the calories they take in every day, which is part of the problem. They started obsessing over calories and wanted to lose weight, so now they're being taught to obsess over calories for the rest of their lives? I guess that's how it has to work, since they need to stay at a target weight and such. But it seems kinda wrong to me.

My problem with food lately is I can't find anything I want to eat. I'll be really hungry, but not one thing seems appetizing to me. Not one of my favourite foods even tempt me. Most of the time when I think about food lately, it makes me want to just throw up. I really don't know why, and it's damn frustrating. I'll make something to eat and force myself to eat as much as I possibly can before I actually do throw up from eating too much. That's all I can do. And it's not even working! I've lost 2 lbs. since I've been here. My mom and my grandmother are getting more worried, and I myself have been worried since I left COC. I dunno what happened, but when I went in there, I was 86 lbs. (much to my shock) and they told me if I didn't gain weight I'd be going to the hospital to be put on feeding tubes. That is about the last thing I want. So while I was there for the 3 days, I had to drink these DISGUSTING 'milkshake' things. So after the 3 days I was released, and then withen about 4 days after that I was weighed and I had gained 5 lbs. to reach 91. I was so fucking happy about that. I kept up my eating habits, forcing down everything I could to stretch my stomach out, and for some reason it stopped working and I couldn't gain another lb. I was stuck at 91 for a little while and then dropped to 90 and I've been at that for the last couple months. Until now I've lost 2 more lbs. and am only 88. I am basically at a dead end here. All I can do now is go see some doctors and get any advice I can. This stuff is stressing me out so much.