The Blog of melody08

Tonight is the first time in a while (about a week and a half actually, which is VERY rare since it's normally every other damn day) that I have cried. I wish I could just forget, just wipe him out of my life completely. I was perfectly fine, happy even, ready to go to bed when I got on the computer just to do a quick check of my email, when I found my messenger had signed me in at some point when I was out today. And there was a message from him. Nothing interesting or special. But by his SN I could tell he was happy, and was having a good time, and that made me sick to my stomach. Honestly, my stomach is getting upset just thinking about this right now. But I've already been to the bathroom once tonight and I don't want to go again.

After I saw it something in me clicked and I just went off. I couldn't stop myself, and I was afraid my grandmother across the hall might hear my sobs. Dunno how long it lasted, an hour or so maybe. I emailed my therapist (for the first time since I've been gone) and then decided I had to get over it. I'm not ever sure what it is. Well maybe I do know. I always felt inferior to him. I had never felt inferior to ANYONE before, quite the opposite really if I'm gonna be honest. But with him it was just constantly, "Ha! Kicked your ass!" over everything. If I didn't feel like arguing, he automatically won. Just stupid shit like that. I was never as good as him at anything. And it made me feel HORRIBLE. I really REALLY don't like losing, but when I was with him, I didn't really care that much, until he made a big deal out of it all. I wanted to put that behind me, just be mature and know that I didn't have to win every argument, every game of Uno, read the most books. I wanted to just be happy and not have to compete with some I loved and who I considered my equal. But he wouldn't have it. I refused in engage in anything competetive after he repeatedly told me he, "kicked my ass" at everything, because I was tired of hearing it over and over. But when I didn't participate in anything competitive, to him that just meant I was even more weak.

So now, when I see he's happy, it makes me sick inside. I want to be the happy one. The one with friends, and a job, and a sex life. But I have none of that, and he has all of it plus more. And don't think I haven't tried! I DAMN WELL HAVE! But nothing is what I end up with. The sad story of my life. No friends, no job, no money, just a room and things to keep my distracted from my emotions.

I really should stop writing for now, this is really not doing me much good.