The Blog of melody08

If you know me or talk to me or anything, I doubt you would think I was depressed. I was talking with my therapist about it the other day. See, normailly when I talk to people, especially people I'm not close to, I can say just about anything with a smile on my face and laugh off whatever. That's because I don't really care to talk about my stupid depressing problems that would take forever to explain and people wouldn't understand anyway. Why talk about that shit and seem depressed around people if I'd rather try and make friends? You can't make friends if you're depressed around people all the time. I learned that a few years ago and at that time I became very good at hiding my emotions and making everyone think I was happy or at least ok. Anyways, so when I was in my therapy session, I was telling her about why I'm so depressed all the time, but I said it sort of in a jokey manner. I can't be all serious with someone I don't know. So by the end of the session, I could kinda tell she didn't take me too seriously, cause I was laughing about so much stuff. So I mentoned the fact that I hide my emotions around people. And she was like, "Why would you do that?" Ummm, cause being depressed and crying around people doesn't help you make friends. It just pushes people away. She thought it was odd that I didn't sho my true self around people. But I think she understood.

Lately I've realised that I'm never really genuinely happy. I thought that if I was busy I wouldn't be depressed anymore. But it turns out that's really not the case. I can be out everyday, doing something, but still not be happy. I still am tired of living. I would kill myself but right now I couldn't do that to my mom. Probably soon I could because I'm just losing touch with everything. The only emotion I really feel is immense sadness... or simply nothing. Life is just so blah and so pointless and so worthless. Even if I have fun I know it's gonna end and I get depressed again. I think maybe if I could have some sort of fun non stop, you know, besides the times when I'm sleeping, I might be happy. But that's not possible. And I'm not finding myself able to deal with not having fun.

And right now I can't even be bothered to finsih this blog. A) Because my attention span is inceredibly short for some odd reason lately and B) because John Oliver's stand up special is on, and he's awesome. He reminds me of my freind Sam actually. Hmmm...

Next day and I'm back. So basically I can't cope with life. Right now at this moment, (as I do most of the time) I have no will to carry on. I just can't be bothered. I have no reason to die, but I can't be bothered living. Its annoying. Blah. I'm so stupid and weak. I hate this.