The Blog of melody08

I don't know. I want to cry right now. Not for any real reason at all. I just feel really sad. And I feel like hurting people. I have lots of visions of violence in my head and it's scaring me. I went into the kitchen eariler to make some food and saw a knife in the sink and all I could think of stabbing someone with it. So dark and violent and gory... I have never felt like this before. Yes, I like hurting people, but not like that. This is seriously worrying me.

I don't like these new pills. At first they gave me tremours and I hated that, but they went away. Then it started making me lose my appetite, which is not good at all because I still only weight 88 lbs. :( And now this. I didn't take it yesterday because I'm supposed to take it in the morning with food but I really wasn't hungry. I didn't think it would be a big deal. By afternoon I basically had a breakdown. I dunno wth was wrong with me, but all the sudden I thought I was 12 again... I didn't understand where I was, why I wasn't in my old house. I didn't recognize anything around me. My mom looked different. I remember realising my teeth were straight and freaking out cause I was supposed to get braces, but my mom was like, "You got your braces off a long time ago!" I thought I was still in 6th grade, I started naming all my teachers, stuff that happened that year, my friends, random things. I hated talking out loud because I scared myself because my voice sounded different, yet I didn't want to shut up. Oh, and when my mom told me I had had sex, I freaked out because I wasn't old enough for that. I was only 12 for crying out loud! Then she would tell me I was 16, and then 17, and it was so scary and confusing. I just wanted to go home back to my room. After a few hours of this my mom nearly had me taken away again. Instead she made me take my pill and after a while I slowly calmed down, though I was highly confused the rest of the day and night.

Now it seems like ages ago that that all happened. My days seem to never end. They just last for weeks. *Sigh*

Then today, I took my pill when I woke up, then I couldn't properly wake up and ended up sleeping until around 4 or 5 PM. I hate doing that. When I did get up, I felt so anxious. I've been jittery all day, not able to concentrate on anything, silly minor things freak me out. I couldn't find anything to watch on TV and I started yelling and screaming. it was so retarded. Then later I started to have these horrible violent thoughts. I'm afaid I'm gonna have some twisted nightmares tonight. I am tired and need to go to bed but I'm scared. :( My mom was out when it started getting really bad, so I called her to tell her I felt like hurting people. I didn't want her to come home, I just wanted to talk to her for a minute. But she came home anyway. That made me feel really guilty. Then when I tried to talk to her she was so tired that it was basically pointless. So when I asked her politely to leave me alone, (she was mumbling non stop and it was getting on my nerves) she got all offended AGAIN. Every single time I try and tell her she's tired, she doesn't believe me. She asks me to tell her and when I do she gets mad at me. It's so stupid. What am I supposed to do?

Now I can't talk to her, cause she stormed out of my room. I'm scared and I can't call 211 or anything cause they'll just tell me to go to Circles of Care, and then they'll keep me there again, and that's THE LAST thing I want. I would rather die than go back there. But I'm still frightened. What am I supposed to do?