The Blog of melody08

So I really don't like seeing myself in the mirror. Well, I don't mind from the neck up, but anything below my shoulders I don't wanna see. I just find my body appearance... unattractive to put it nicely. I'm not even sure if I really find it so bad or if everyone else is just disgusted by my look. Either way it makes me ashamed.

Then again there is that part of me that loves hearing people tell me I'm so thin. What I don't like is when they touch me! Strangers touching me make me very uncomfortable. But yeah. I don't like seeing anyone thinner than me, not that it's a common occurrence. But if I see someone I think looks thinner than me in my mind I'm like, "I bet if I cut back on my food intake for a week or two I could be thinner than them."

I love hearing the celebrity gossip about a star being too thin. I remember when they were saying Nichole Richie was too thin. She's what, like 5'2" give or take an inch, and she weighed a reported 86 lbs. Earlier this year I weighed the exact same amount, but I'm about 5'7". I really don't understand all the health issues people bring up about my weight. My only problems are being cold a lot, chapped lips, creaky joints, and sometimes low energy. A long time ago (I have no idea how much I weighed at the time) it was hurting for my heart to beat, but it got better after a few days. I dunno if it's because I've been this way all my life and my body is used to running this way, or what. When I was at that mental hospital (which was were i found out I weighed 86 lbs) they wanted to rush me over to the hospital across the street and put me on a feeding tube cause they thought I was gonna die. I was perfectly fine. People always seem to assume I'm gonna drop dead any day from lack of nutrition, but I'm fine! My doctor since I was a little kid has always reassured me of this.

I don't wanna gain weight, cause I am terrified of being fat. I've never been larger than a size 0 in my entire life, and I think if I bought the smallest size of something and it didn't fit me, I would freak out.

My main problem is most people won't hire a model unless they're at least a size 2. Thinking about being a full size 2 almost makes me wanna cry. Why can't people just like the way I naturally am? :(

I forgot how easy it was to fall back into a hole.

When I'm here in this apartment, I tend to want to keep holed up in my room so I don't have to see anyone. I mean, I like to be out in the sunshine, but I could deal with opening the blinds. For some reason, when I'm here I just want to shut out the world. I don't want anyone else to be around.

I know a big thing is not having a job. I just really need to get a job soon, or I dunno if I'll ever wanna get back into life again.

This hole is wide, and deep, and dark. It's not that I get so depressed about it. I'm perfectly happy staying in my room all day playing on the computer, watching movies, reading. It's not even really about staying in my room. I just like being by myself. If I could be out in the world with no one around, I would love it. But there's people everywhere. Cars driving by, people walking. I could go to the beach or something, but I couldn't bring my laptop there and I don't really like the beach anyway.

One day when I'm super rich, I'm gonna buy a massive property, and have a huge yard, and just be alone whenever I want. I'll just forget that anyone else exists.

Maybe that's why I end up staying up all night. Most people sleep at night and it's quiet, then I can pretend no one else exists. That's the way I like it.

It's one of those nights. One of those nights where I really want his touch. Actually, to be honest, not even his touch in particular. Just a man's touch. There's nothing that can substitute the touch of a man's hand, gentle in the beginning but growing more rough. Aggressive. That's what I want.

I went without a man's touch for so long. Well over a year without so much as a kiss. I guess I learned to deal with it after a while. Then I met someone. Even though we were on very different experience levels with me having gone all the way and him not even kissing anyone yet, I quickly caught him up. The physical part of the relationship is the polar opposite of my last.

In my last physical relationship, I was the one with zero experience (never having kissed anyone) and he was the one who had gone all the way. He was aggressive, and quite a good teacher. It was perfect for my first physical relationship.

So now in this one it's like role reversal. It's really interesting because I feel like I have more control. I can mold him and teach him to be however I like. Except the sex part. He's waiting til marriage, and I'm not even thinking about marriage, so we're probably never gonna have sex with each other. But we can do other things, which is good.

Ok, well he's not really good at... anything. I can't really blame him cause he had zero experience before me, but I was hoping after a while he would get into it and get better, but no. He can't even kiss well! It makes me sad. Next time I see him I have got to give him friendly tips. Otherwise I can't do it anymore. I'm not even kidding. When he kisses me, it's just like he's eating my face. Everytime! If he ever breaks away for a second there's slobber all over my mouth and chin area. UGH! AND, he's loud. I didn't know you could kiss so loudly, but you can. We were in a movie theatre and he was kissing my neck and I was worried the people next to us were gonna get annoyed cause he's so loud! It's like a bit wet SMACK noise. There are other issues with his lack of kissing skills, but I'm gonna stop there.

And when he tries to do anything else? He doesn't have much confidence it seems. Not as much as I like anyway. He's fine going straight to third base, but it almost seems like boobs scare him or something. I dunno. And when he does go to third base, I'm pretty sure he injures me. I didn't even really realise it until the next day once, but it just hurt to walk around. And not in a good way. I really do need to school this boy. And I'm looking forward to it. I could even put on my little school girl outfit and 'tutor' him. ;)

But back to the original point. Even with his lack of skills, I want the touch. I want the hands tracing circles on my lower back. I want the arms around me. I want to snuggle my face into the chest. I want the 5 o'clock shadow face kissing me all over. I want it!

I feel like after I went all that time with nothing, and then had almost everything for a couple weeks, and now have nothing again, that I was just teasing myself. Just showing myself, 'Hey look, remember this? Of course not, cause it was much better before, but still! It's something isn't it? You know you've missed it.' I dunno what I'm gonna do. Probably toss and turn all night.

So my day was pretty normal. I got up, went to work, blah blah. Sabrina came and brought me a lovely cake as a going away/birthday thing. I hid upstairs so not everyone would know about it. :)

When I got off at 6, Drew came to see a movie with me. I changed, handed in my vest and bowtie. We went to McDonald's and came back. It honestly felt a bit strange walking into doors marked STAFF ONLY when I knew that as of 6 I was no longer employed there, lol. But I needed a table to eat at and the only ones were upstairs. Plus, my cake was upstairs and we wanted some. It had delicious icing. :)

We hung around for a bit since the movie didn't start until 7:30. So around 7:15 we went into the theater, to discover the film had already started. We walked back upstairs to talk to shift leader Aaron, and he apparently thought it was supposed to start at 7:00 and wouldn't restart it for us, so we missed the first few minutes. But it was ok.

The movie was actually good. Quite gross at some points, and very... R-rated, lol. I did laugh out loud and would recommend it to anyone with a dirty sense of humour.

During the movie Drew and I were cuddling (as we normally do during movies) and he started kissing my neck and shoulders. My top has kind of a wide opening at the top... Dunno how to explain it really. Not off the shoulder, but close. It was really nice, and he had his arms wrapped around me and everything. Only thing was, he's a loud kisser. I was afraid we were being too noisy for everyone else. And since I'm talking about his kissing, I might as well mention he's just a bad kisser in general. He just practically eats my face! And it's never long kisses, just a bunch of rapid ones. He's like a machine gun loaded with kisses that I can't stop. I might be able to turn my head and he'll move to my neck and chest, but it's still just a bunch or rapid kisses that I can't stop for anything. It gets kind of annoying after a while.

ANYWAYS, back to the movie. So, while he was kissing my neck and whatnot, I had my hand on his thigh, and after a while eventually moved my hand to his boner. I was afraid of making him uncomfortable since I couldn't get him to take off his jeans the other day, but he didn't seem to have a problem with me touching his boner through his jeans, so I just did that. At least I got some idea of what I was missing!

Blah blah, the movie ended, we went to leave, btu I needed to get my cake from upstairs. So I came back down, and Drew was helping move some boxes in the lobby, and I needed to find something in my purse (that actually turned out to be in my pocket the whole time, but not the point) so i set my cake on top of a box, and put my purse next to it, rummaging through it. Next thing I knew, I had accidentally knocked my cake onto the floor. :( I only had one piece. But that didn't stop Drew from eating what was left of it. Ick!

Then on the ride home, he just randomly tells me his Fall Formal is next weekend. I was just like, "Oh, well isn't that great timing?" I figured I might be able to fly back NEXT Thursday and leave the Sunday after that, that way I could go to the dance and all that. I would like to do that, cause it seems like fun. Also, it would be funny to walk back into the theatre next weekend and have people be like, "Wait! I thought you left!" Ha ha.

So we got back to my place, and luckily he had left his blanket here the other day so I had a reason to invite him inside and up to my room. I convinced him to stay for a bit. We got to making out on my bed, an di really wished it had gone further, but he had to leave too soon. But he did tell me a couple things before he left. One of them being I was beautiful, which was very nice to hear since he's never complimented me like that before. And then he tells me he loves me. I knew I wasn't going to say it back. Let me see if I can recall this conversation...

Him: I love you
Me: You've never said that before
Him: I know. I thought about texting you
Me: Glad you didn't
(I told him never to text something like that the first time you say it)
*Bit of a pause*
Me: Why?
Him: Well you kinda told me not to text something like that
Me: I meant why do you love me?
*Pause*
Him: How do you answer something like that?
Me: Well if you really love me you should be able to find a way

Then he was gonna go all Shakespeare on me, and it all kinda morphed ingto another conversation. I never said "I love you," back, because I know I don't, mainly because I refuse to. I have no idea what's gonna happen when I go home. I could never see him again. I could meet someone else. We could grow apart. All of those chances are greatly increased when you're in a long distance relationship, and I dunno if I really want to be tied down to someone I can't see often.

This makes it even harder for me because I've already decided I was going to break up with him. And he waits until my last night here to tell me he loves me! I feel like a bitch. But only a little, cause I can't really help it if I'm smart about relationships. Smarter than him anyways, since I'm his first girlfriend.

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been away from home for five months now. Longest time ever. I'm not really home sick for my apartment and mom, but I miss Florida. I miss my eighty degree weather and my theme parks and my mall and things like that.

I actually saw snow fall the other day! First time I've seen snow since I was four years old. It made me really excited to look out the window at work and see all the little snow flakes falling and disappearing.

But I do much prefer my warm weather where I can go outside in a t-shirt. Here I have to have on a jacket like, all the time. It was actually so cold at work the other day, I had to wear my jacket inside. It was out of uniform, but I didn't care. I was shivering!

Today at work, Kylie came in (a girl who I work with) to see a movie, and when she got out, she had come over to the group of us behind the counter and was talking to us. And randomly she looks at me and goes, "Why are you leaving Drew?" I was like, wtf? What are you even talking about? And then the new girl was like, "Oh my God, you guys are going out?" And it got into this whole big, weird, confusing thing, and I had 3 people asking me questions at once. I told them I wasn't leaving DREW, I was leaving the state, so they just assumed we were gonna have a long distance thing. I'm still not entirely sure myself what I'm gonna do. I know I don't love him. I'll have to talk about this with him over the weekend.

Speaking of the weekend, I will be spending pretty much half the weekend with Drew. I have to work 12-6 tomorrow, and then he's gonna pick me up and I'm gonna spend the night as his house. I think we're gonna go see some fotoball game or something that night. Then on Saturday he's gonna have me meet his friends and then at 5:30 we both have to be at work so he'll just take me. I think he said something about possibly trick-or-treating, but I dunno if we can do that and the football game. If I had to pick I'd definately pick the football game. I haven't been to one in about two years. It would be cool.

Oh, and I have a new theme song. :D

My British friends all hate this song, but I don't care! It suits me so perfectly, since I am a weirdo with five colours in my hair! :D

I am not pushing this "relationship" any further than 2 more weeks.

He shows almost zero affection for me. He's a bigger video game nerd that I thought. All the sudden he seems less cute. We have almost nothing in common.

I doubt a long distance thing would've worked anyway since he's never even flown anywhere before and I dunno if he'd do that to see me. Not to mention he's in school and has a job so he doesn't have much time to visit me anyway. And even if he DID visit me, we wouldn't have sex and that would suck! Pretty pointless if you ask me.

So yeah. That's my decision.

My boyfriend was hugging me and I told him he smelled good and he was like, "Um... Thanks?"

I can't help it if I like the way he smells. Just thought it was something sweet to say but apparently it's just awkward.

And, when he said he was gonna leave, I put my arms around him and said, "No, you can't leave." And he asked why and I said, "Because I said so." And it was like, nothing. I was just trying to be kinda cute and show some affection for him and it was like he couldn't have cared less.

Why is he going out with me if he doesn't like me?

I'm gonna be 18 in less than a month. 2 days before my birthday I will be flying back home to Florida. In Florida there is a car that my mom bought while I've been here. Now, my mom (who's birthday is one day before mine) is gonna be 48 soon, and this is the first time she's ever made car payments. All the other vehicles she had were paid in full, but when she got this one she didn't have the money to do that. So she's making payments, but her credit is so bad (because he report says our last house got foreclosed on when actually we sold it before that happened, but we can't change what's on the report) that the rate is at 19%. I'm not even entirely sure what that means (seeing as how I've never even driven a car, let alone tried to buy one) but apparently it's pretty high. And she has to make a $200 a month insurance payment on it as well.

I was speaking to my mother on the phone today when she was telling me all this, and I had mentioned how I could easily pay the car insurance working a minimum wage job. She doesn't NEED me to help, but I don't see why I shouldn't. I'll be driving the car once I get home anyway, might as well help pay it's bills. So after I mentioned that, she said that if I make enough money, she could even get the car put in my name and I could make the payments and build up my credit. I know credit is EXTREMELY important if you want to buy anything like a computer or a car or a house. And I also know having no credit is no good, and I do need a way to build it up. So that's my mom's idea: Having me own the car and make the payments.

My initial idea was to get a credit card and be smart with it. I mean, I'd have to use it to build up the credit, but I wouldn't be blowing money I didn't have and racking up debt.

Then my grandmothers idea was to take out some small loan from my bank ($600 or something) and pay it back. I don't really get that one, but she said that's what my uncle did at 18.

Like I said, I know credit is mondo important, and once you fuck it up it's hard to build it back up again, and I don't want my credit so be horrible. So any advice? Other ideas? Would really help a lot. :)

I was talking to a friend of mine on the internet earlier today. I was showing him the Halloween costume I had just bought yesterday. I'm gonna be a sexy french maid. ;) But back to the point. My friend had said, "If Drew can keep his hands off you all night, he's gay!" And somehow we got onto the topic of sex, and he asked me if Drew believed in sex before marriage, to which I had no answer. So my friend suggested I ask, and so I did... via text message.

Turns out he DOESN'T believe in sex before marriage. Yes, my boyfriend is a fucking Clean Teen, Virgin For Life, whatever you wanna call them. Which means him and I will NEVER have sex, since I never ever ever want to get married. Fucking lovely.

But that's not why I'm a jackass. I'm a jackass because I overstepped my boundaries and asked a question that was too personal and it was horrible. Not only did I do all this, but remember, it was in a text message!

So yeah. That kinda bums me out, and makes me feel super awkward, cause I dunno if he judges me based on the fact I'm not a virgin. We're just just kinda play fighting tonight at work, and another co-worker was there with us, and they made some silly comment how it was so early in our relationship and we were already having problems. So I said, "Maybe if Drew didn't lie all the time!" Because I caught him lying about quite a few things tonight. Nothing serious, he just kinda steals other peoples ideas and claims them as his own. Anyways, after that, he said, "Well maybe if Cherokee wasn't such a skank!" I wasn't sure if he was sarcastic or serious or a bit of both... Maybe I'm just paranoid or something.

Just for the record, I'm NOT a skank. I've only kissed one boy my entire life, that hardly makes me a skank.

I went out with Drew tonight. He asked me to see Fireproof with him, and even though I don't believe in a god, I figured I would go see it with him since A) it was free and B) it would give me a chance to spend some time with him.

So I got off work around 6:00, and the next showing after that was 7:00, so he came and picked me up and we went to get something to eat at Subway. The cookies there are DELICIOUS! :D Then we went back to the theatre to see the movie, which I wasn't really looking forward to, but I still tried to go in with an open mind.

When I had first told Drew I liked him, it was just after we had seen Nick & Norah's Infinate Playlist. During the movie I sat kinda close to his chair, trying to let him know, but he didn't really get it so I just told him. And he was like, "I did notice you were sitting kinda close." I figured I made him feel awkward or something, with the way he said it. So tonight I figured I'd just not sit too close. Yes, we're boyfriend and girlfriend, but I have no idea how far he's even been with a girl before, and what his comfort zone is, so I didn't want to push it too much. But I noticed he was sitting really close to ME. So I made sure I sat real close to him, and after a while just leaned my head on his shoulder, and then he out him arm all the way around me (sitting on my left side, he put his arm around me to grab my left shoulder) and just held me. It was so nice. I kept one of my hand on his arm and leaned my head on his shoulder and he leaned his head on mine. And sometimes he's squeeze or rub my arm or something. Only thing was the armrest was digging into my back since I was trying to lean into him.

He had to get up about half way through the movie though and when he came back he put the arm rest up and held me even closer. I just snuggled into him. I would've been perfectly content staying there all night like that. :) But alas, the movie ended. It wasn't too bad. Not really my type of film, but it wasn't too bad. The acting was pretty poor, but better than a lot of movies I've seen, lol. Apparently a lot of people cry when they see it, and I was worried I would be sobbing, but by the end I had no idea why people were crying, and neither did Drew, so it was ok.

Then he drove me all the way home (20 minutes to my house and 20 minutes back) just to be sweet. He opens my car door for me and walks me to my front door and everything. I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek good night. He told me he wouldn't be working again til Friday, but he was gonna see if he could get my shift and work with me. We'll see how that turns out. It would be nice. :)

In other random news, I've been invited to a party. :) A girl at work is throwing a Halloween party at her apartment on the 30th, so now I have to go out shopping for a costume. I was thinking I'd go Saturday, but if Drew works with me Friday maybe I can get him to take me after work. I'll probably just get one from Wet Seal or something.

Then on the same night, after the party, there's about 8 or 9 of us going back to the corn maize, except this time it's gonna be haunted. I know I'm gonna be scared. But with the way we're doing it, we're trying to get 1 boy to every girl so we can split into teams of 2. Drew had better not scare me this time!

I feel very happy these days.

I started thinking Drew didn't like me, because I thought he might like Katie. But he does like me, and now we're going out, so that's good. Dunno what's gonna happen when i go home in a month though, lol. Right now of course it's not too serious, but you never know. I can deal with long distance, even though this wouldn't be so bad if I could get him on a plane down to Florida during winter break or something. But he's never flown before, and he's gonna be 18 next month, just after me. We'll just see. But apparently when I do leave, Sabrina is gonna bake me a nice cake as a going away/birthday thing. That would be so sweet!

So the kids in school (most of them anyway) are on fall break for 2 weeks, so I don't work during the day alone for now. Apparently Matt (that douchebag temporary manager) had scheduled me to work aone during the day all week, but Ruth re-did it and now I'm working with at least one other person. So yesterday there was me, Drew, Sam, and Will scheduled for concessions, Bruce and Brandon scheduled for door, Angie for box, and Sabrina as shift manager. And out of those people, me, Drew, Sam, Will and Sabrina (and Chuck who wasn't working that day) were all supposed to go to this corn maze after work. But then we decided we'd go to this Haunted Forrest thing instead. Apparently one girl at work got so scared from it she pissed her pants so I thoguht it might be good.

Now something you should know about Will and Sam, is they are both very hyper and friendly. And together they are just like overload. But they are sooo sweet it's hard not to like them. And Will drive this really old 60's VW van. It's this pea green colour and can't go over like, 40 mph. So like, whenever he was following Drew's car, we'd always have to drive slow to make sure he was behind us. And we were always on two lane roads, so no one could pass us, and whenever we went around a curve, we could see the line of cars behind Will's van. They must've been so pissed at us for driving that slow, lol.

Anyways, so when we left work, me and Sabrina were gonna ride with Drew to pick up Chuck (who were work with but just wasn't working that day) and Sam was gonna ride with Will and meet us at the Haunted Forrest. So we left before Will and Sam did, and we got Chuck, and he told us how to get the the Haunted Forrest (cause no one else in the car knew) and we ended up missing the sign telling us to turn in, and we saw Will van driving the opposite direction and we were like, "Omg, we must be going the wrong way!" So we turn around real fast and go the right way, but we miss the sign AGAIN and have to trun around a second time and finally get it right.

So we pull in the drive and then the parking area is closed off. So we find some old redneck guys hanging around and we ask them about it and they tell us that it's only open on the weekends. :( Bummer. So now we decide to go to the corn maze, which wasn't haunted, but was still pretty creepy.

So we finally get there around dark, and we pay for our wristbands, and the lady asks us if we're gonna come back on the weekend when it is haunted. Only problem is me and Drew and Sabrina work til like 2 AM on the weekends and the maze would be long closed by then. So she told us that the whole last week in October was gonna be haunted and we could come during the week. And she gave us all these $1 off coupon things which was really nice. So we're gonna go back at the end of the month and get scared shitless. Or at least I'm pretty sure I will be.

So we finally started the maze. And we get these passport thigns, which are simply pieces of paper with 10 multiple questions. Each passport has a theme to it. There's dumb ones like Sports and US History, and fun ones like Halloween and Pop Culture. When you're in the maze and come across a sign (the first one being #1 and so on) you look at the paper, answer the question, and next to each answer it says either left or right. So if you pick the wrong answer you're gonna end up going the wrong way. And something I learned last year was, when it was to turn left, it meant you supposed to keep making lefts at every fork after that until the next sign. Right so soon after we started, we split up in to 2 groups of 3. There me, Drew and Chuck, and then Will, Sam and Sabrina. We each ahd at least 3 or 4 different kinds of passports to get us through, and we were gonna see who could find their way out first. But I was the only one who about the thing we're you're supposed to always make the same turns, so naturally my team won. But while we were still inside the maze, anytime I was leading and Drew was behind me he would run up and grab me and scream and freak me out. It was dark and I was paranoid enough as it was, and he kept doing that to me. I finally gave up and made him lead, until he led us to the same 3 dead ends 5 times each and then I led again. Yeah, so we finished the maze in less than an hour, got out around 8:20, and waited a few minutes to see if the others were behind us. But then the boys foind aplayground and just started riding the slides and stuff. It was the most redneck playground I've ever seen. They ended up iving themselves bruises playing on it. And I got some pictures before my camera died. It was pretty funny. So they played on that for a while, and then got bored. Then there was this guy driving a 4 wheeler with these little car thigns attached to the back and he was would ride them around the fields, and it was pretty rough, so I opted out. When they got off they were even more bruised and were complaining about the dust and stuff in their eyes. I was glad I didn't do it, lol.

So by now it was after 9:00 and the maze was closed so no more people could get in, but we just had to wait for peopel to come out. So we sat at these tables and waited for a while,a nd then they staff guy at the exit was like, "Are you guys waiting on someone?" And we explained how our 3 friends were still in there, and described them to him. And he says, "Yeah, we just saw them cross the tower in the middle. They're gonna be a while yet." That was so dumb. We had to wait for ages for them to get out. Finally half an hour later or so they popped out and all the sudden it was like, "Let's go to Waffle House!" But Chuck had school in the morning and it was already about 10:00, so we dropped him off at home and then all went to the Waffle House, and we all got waffles and hot chocolates. It was yummy. We were the group of kids in the corner booth laughing and annoying people. But we weren't doing it on purpose, it was just that everything was so funny! Will was texting Drew from across the table and sending him messages like, "I want your bod bitch." And "PENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENIS..." It was just hilarious.

Finally around 11:15 we payed and each made our ways home. Sabrina went with Sam and Will, and Drew was giving me a ride back to my house, which was way out of the way, about 20 minutes actually. But it was still aright. I don't think I got home until about midnight, cause it took me a while to figure out where I was supposed to go. I kinda got us lost at first, lol. but I got home safely, as did Drew, so it was ok.

Last night was just realy fun for me, and I've never really done anything like that before. :) Can't wait to go back at the end of the month.

And now Drew's invited me to see this movie called Fireproof, which is some Christian movie about "Fireproofing your marriage." It's been mega popular here since it came out. It's first weekend it was all sold out and what not. I don't believe in a God, so I wasn't really interested. It annoyed me when customers would come in and tell me "I'm going to see Fireproof for the third time. It's a good Christian movie, you should go see it." I wasn't gonna say how I don't follow religion, cause I'm in the bible belt and I don't wanna offend customers (too much) so I would just say something like, "Yeah, lots of people have come to see it." Actually I had a guy last night who was seeing it, and he came out in the middle for a refill, and I asked him about it, and he said it sucked and it wasn't his type of movie. I high fived him. Then I went over and told Drew about how the guy didn't like it, and he goes, "Well he's alone in that matter." I was like, "Whatever." And now he's asking me to see it tomorrow night! I wouldn't if I had to pay, but it is free, and it'll give me a chance to spend some time with him outside of work, so I figured I might as well. Plus, he said if it did suck we could just leave. And he's taking me out to eat beforehand so that's good, too. :)

See, thing is about Drew, he's pretty straight laced apparently. I mean, I figured he was a virgin and all that, but I don't think he even likes to do dirty text messages! :( I have to see if I can get him to loosen up a little bit. He is sooo sweet and adorable, he just needs to discover all the fun he could be having. ;)

We'll just see what happens.

So the past few weeks have been interesting boy-wise. Last Friday my good guy friend of almost 5 years asked me out via text message (not knowing I was out of state). I do really care about him, cause he's always been sweet to me, but he's always been like my little brother. I don't really want to tell him that cause I know that would hurt him, but I dunno what else to do about that. I just told him we'll see what happens when I get home.

Then, there's Drew, the boy at work who I really like. I was pretty sure he liked me as well, but apparently I was a bit mistaken in that assumption. We saw a couple movies together and afterwards one night I told him that I liked him. This is his response: "I kind of feel that way towards you. I can feel that it's there, but it's not totally open." Wtf? So you like me but you don't, is that it? This was all through text messages btw, lol. So I just told him if he didn't feel the same way it was fine, and he goes, "You're not just saying that to throw me off are you?" I seriously don't understand why this has to be complicated at all. THe texting seemed to randomly end (normally we text way into the night until one of us has to go to bed) and we haven't really talked since. I saw him at work yesterday for a couple minutes, but that was about it. And yes, I felt very awkward, even though I promised myself I wouldn't. And now we have to work together for 8 hours tonight. Not to mention we always go on break together to get soemthing to eat. I really dunno how I'm gonna feel about all this. I wish he would just be like, "I like you." Or, "I don't really see you that way." Or SOMETHING. Come on.

And then there's last night. Ok, so there's this guy in England, I met like, once in real life, and maybe talked to a couple times before that and like none since. Mind you I haven't been to England in over a year now. So this guy starts randomly IMing me last night. Yes, he was quite drunk. And he starts asking me out. No kidding. He's going on about how he remembers me so well, and he thinks American girls are so much nicer and he wants to see me and stuff. I'm just like, "Well see if you remember any of this conversation in the morning." I haven't talked to him since last night, but I am interested to see how his feelings change once he sobers up, lol.

So yeah. The guys I don't like seem to be really interested in me, and the ones I do like, only wanna be my friend or something. Ugh, life.

I just now realised, this very moment, I cannot remember the last time I cried.

That almost never happens to me. I used to cry every night, but I've realised now I don't.

YAAAAAAAAAAAY! *Does happy dance* :D

I tired to post this earlier, but had some complications. Grrr!

So I have this crush on this boy named Drew. I'm not entirely sure if he likes me in that way or not. I know he likes me as a friend, but dunno if he likes me as more than that. But I think he might...

Let me see if I can give some examples.

Ok, so I work alone 12-6 weekdays, and then at 5:30 the night shift people come in to take over. Drew works maybe a couple days during the week, so sometimes I get to see him before I leave. Today was one of those days. So like I said, I work alone during the day, so if it happens to get really busy, I'm pretty much screwed, cause my line gets long fast, and if I don't have someone helping me out it takes a while to get to everyone. Not that I'm slow or bad at my job! I'm really good actually but it's just I'm the only one working, lol. Anyways, so around 5 today, we had a little bit of a rush, and my line started getting long. At 5:30 we had about 4 people come in to work, but 3 of them were supposed to be working door for some reason, and the one working concessions is kinda lazy. But Drew was nice enough to come back and help me out (even though he was a doorman) and ran and got anything I needed. I thought that was very kind.

Also, he actually asked me to see a movie with him. Granted, we do work at the theatre and we get to see movies for free, but still! We were working together Saturday night, and we were talking about the new movies we wanted to see, and it turned out we wanted to see the same ones. After we were talkign abotu this, we had to get back to work and whatnot, and for a while I was thinking how would should totally see them together. See, we have a rule that we get one free ticket for ourselves and guest every week. But if Drew used his guest ticket on me the first time, and then I used my guest ticket on his the second time, we could see two free movies in one week. Shortly after this thought crossed my mind, he came over and said, "You know, we should see those movies together, because if we both went to see them then we could see two in one week." It was like he was reading my mind or something. (This would have freaked me out if I wasn't so used to my thoughts becoming reality, but that's a whole other thing.) I was like, "Hell yeah!" So we saw How to Lose Friends and Alienate People together last night after my shift. That was actually the first time I hung out with someone outside of work, and I pretended it was a date, cause I wasn't really sure if it was or not, lol. The movie was good, and we did talk and joke a lot through out the whole film. But I just wanted to reach over and grab his hand, or lean on his shoulder. Only probelm was, our theatre seats are so damn uncomfortable, we were constantly changing positions. So I didn't really get an oppertunity. :(

Also, he lets me wear his jackets. Not only wear them, but just like, borrow them for extended periods of time. A couple weeks ago we were getting off work around 1:30 am, and it was cold outside, and I had mentioned I didn't have a jacket to wear, and he offered me his. It may have been a Transformers jacket, but it was purple and black, so I didn't really mind. Plus, it was his so that was ok, lol. Then a couple days later I had brought it back to work, and he and brought in a Marvel hoodie (It has like, all the Marvel superheroes on the front of it, and he can name every single one, cause he's kind of a comic book geek, but a really adorable one!) and he asked me if I wanted to switch the Transformers jacket for that one. I wasn't ready to give it back yet though, cause I wanted to make sure it smelled like me before I gave it back, lol. But today I brought it in and hung it up, and when he came in he hung his Marvel hoodie on top of it, so when I left I grabbed it instead. I put it on and noticed it was a bit more comfortable than the Transformers one and just told him I was trading up, lol. I also noticed it smelled more like him, which I like. But I'm still not giving it back 'til it smells like me! Tee hee.

Oh, and another thing, he loves Red vs. Blue, and I have never actually met someone who even knows about it, and that is friggin' AWESOME that we can quote it to each other and no one else knows what we're talking about, lol.

So now we're supposed to see a Nick & Norah's Infinate Playlist Thursday after my shift. Thing is, it starts at 5:30, and then the next show is at 7:40. Previews last 20 minutes, and I can normally get off around 5:45-ish, so the 5:30 one might be perfect. But if I don't get off til 6:00 then I'm gonna miss the first 10 minutes of the movie which I hate, and then have to wait around the theatre for the 7:40 one. I realy don't wanna do that. I think I'll just ask the manager (hopefully Matt cause he'll let me off early) if I can cut out a few minutes early so I can catch the earlier movie. That might work better. Then again, I have to take into account the time it takes me to change, which is only about 3 minutes, but still. I'm kinda anal about my time schedule, lol.

I've promised myself that I would make some sort of move on Thursday. If it's holding his hand, or just a quick kiss on the cheek. I'm normally a go getter kind of person, and I don't like sitting around and not going for something I want. I just hope it doesn't blow up in my face, lol.